


Healing

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Destroy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Shakarian - Freeform, Shakarios - Freeform, Shrios
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7079194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the war, Shepard has to find a way to move on. There's one person who's always been there for her but can she find it in herself to love again? And, later, when "meet you at the sea" meets "meet you at the bar" will she be forced to make a choice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> I play with the JAM ending mod. EDI and the geth being alive is based on that.  
> BioWare owns the Mass Effect universe and all characters. I just play with it for my own entertainment.

Shepard woke to the sound of familiar voices calling her name. Everything hurt and her body didn’t seem to recognize the commands she sent to it to move. She tried to answer the calls but her throat felt as if she’d attempted to swallow fire. Fire. Flames. The Crucible. She was supposed to be dead. She was supposed to be feeling the cool salt sea and Thane’s arms around her. She wasn’t supposed to be feeling like she’d walked into an inferno and lived to tell the tale. The wound on her side was a minuscule counterpoint to the pain raging throughout the rest of her body and she thought that, maybe, if she just stayed quiet, they wouldn’t find her in time. She was so very tired, after all, and living hadn’t been part of the plan. She was supposed to be finished and free.

“Shepard!” the flanged voice called out and the world of agony in that single word was enough to drag her from her self-pity as responsibility reared its head once more. She couldn’t leave her friends, and especially the one person who’d stood by her through everything, behind. Garrus would blame himself. He’d lost too many friends already. She couldn’t put him through it again. This time, her fingers twitched and she felt something hard beneath them. It took more effort than she would have expected to wrap her burned hand around the chunk of what she thought might be concrete and tap it against the ground. “I heard something!” Garrus shouted and she tried again.

“Shepard!” Joker this time. She tried to picture the pilot hobbling through the rubble that surrounded her and couldn’t. She’d known him for years and had only seen him walk a handful of times. It took something of grave importance to get Joker on his feet.

“Quiet!” Garrus ordered. “Listen.” She gave another tap, this one weaker than the others and was rewarded with, “Over there! We’re coming, Shepard. Just hold on.”

She tried. She truly did try. The darkness was too demanding and the pain was driving her toward the promise of oblivion. She’d gone for too long on too little nourishment and too little sleep, had pushed herself past the point of strength, past the point of endurance, until she was running on willpower and stubborn determination alone. Her reserves were shot. Her will was fading. Her reason for fighting was waiting on the other side of that void. _I’m sorry, Garrus,_ she thought as the emptiness embraced her and she faded to black.

___

“So what do you think?” Garrus asked.

Shepard muttered something dark as her fingers turned white on the rails of the parallel bars to which she clung. She didn’t spare him a glance as she forced one foot in front of the other and said, “Hell, Garrus. I don’t know. You’re the investigator.”

“Well, I’m out of ideas on this one,” he told her. He knew that he could probably figure it out on his own given some time but it gave Shepard something to focus on outside of the rigors of PT. He’d taken to discussing his cases with her since his return to C-Sec. She’d even begun responding on occasion. 

He was painfully aware that Shepard had planned to die up here and thanked the spirits every day that she hadn’t. He didn’t know if he could handle living in a galaxy without Shepard. He’d done it once and it had been an awfully empty place without her. He’d ended up on Omega attempting to go out in a blaze of glory and still hadn’t figured out whether it had been intentional or not. All he knew was that there was no Vakarian without Shepard and, whether she returned his feelings or not, he didn’t want to lose her.

Her recovery had been slow, hampered no doubt by the grief that had managed to bank the fires of her indomitable spirit. It wasn’t just Thane, though he knew that the loss of her lover was one of the most devastating and had been the one to take the passion from her eyes and leave her hollow. It was Tali and Miranda and Samara. It was Wrex and Ash way back on Virmire and damn if that didn’t feel like an eternity ago. It was all of the sorrow and hopelessness and loss and frustration that she’d tamped down for so long. She’d set those aside in a box marked AFTER THE WAR, a box she’d never truly expected to open. After the war had come and her demons had ruptured through, forcing her to face them fully for the first time. 

He could still see her when he closed his eyes. She’d been little more than seared flesh and charred material that had reminded him of her description of herself as ‘meat and tubes’ after Alchera. She’d been in the hospital for months undergoing surgeries to repair the damage to her body, skin replacements, and an amputation of the leg that couldn’t be saved. Her outer recovery was faster than the inner one and the prosthetic that she was still learning to use was an outward indication of her inner pain. He could empathize with that. The scars that riddled the side of his face, neck, and chest meant the same to him though he thought that she had little reason to view her own that way. Hers were a sign that she’d won against impossible odds. They were the marks of her victory while also being a sign of all she’d given up to do so. 

“He’s human,” she said, breaking into his thoughts. “All of the victims were human. Serial killers rarely cross species lines unless it’s a hate crime and the condition of the bodies tells me he’s doing it because he enjoys it rather than because they’re human. The victims are also all Caucasian—white, that is—and human serial killers rarely cross racial lines. It’s less of a deal now since we’ve amalgamated more and it won’t help much in narrowing it down but it gives a direction.” She grunted as she stumbled and righted herself but pressed on. He made notes on his omni-tool as she continued to speak. “Most serial killers are in their twenties or thirties, so he’s probably about my age. And I say he because the vast majority are male and most of the female ones use poison or other indirect methods. This is up close and personal, which means he’s strong enough to overpower them. He also goes for the head and chest which generally signifies an emotional reason. He doesn’t leave clues, so he knows what he’s doing. He is probably familiar with police procedure. He could be C-Sec or former C-Sec or he might be an MP in the Alliance. He may be none of those and just a fan like Conrad Verner.”

“And the letters?” Garrus asked. 

“Attention,” she said and paused to turn around. Her face was pale and beaded with perspiration but she wouldn’t quit. “He’s trying to show that he’s smarter than you, more clever, better. He’s taunting you. Sometimes, it’s a sign that they want to be caught but, from the tone, I’d guess that he just likes the challenge.” She stopped and looked directly at him. “He’s wrong, Garrus. He isn’t smarter than you or better than you. You’ll figure this out and you’ll catch him.”

He nodded and she returned her attention to the task at hand. It was the first time that she’d really engaged with him like the Shepard he’d known and it gave him hope that she’d make it back to them given enough time. He knew where she was now. He’d been there after Omega and she’d pulled him back out like she’d pulled his ass out of countless other fires. He was determined to do the same for her. If that meant getting her to tell him things he could find out from the psychologist on staff or a few hours’ research, so be it. 

When she was finished, he accompanied her back to the apartment. The Strip had survived the blast mostly intact and, after some help from her friends, the space was livable. He’d almost expected her to want to avoid it given what she’d seen on the station, but she insisted that this was her home and that she would stay. He’d considered returning to Palaven to help his people but by the time travel back to his own system was possible, he’d already made himself at home in one of her spare rooms. She’d come to rely on him in recovery as much as she had in battle and he couldn’t bring himself to leave her. He knew nothing about rebuilding planets. He did know about rebuilding her. He could do far more good here than on his homeworld where he would be another mouth in the way to feed. Those justifications were sufficient to keep her from questioning further and all of the reasoning he was willing to give her. She was the best friend he’d ever had and he would never do anything to jeopardize that no matter what he secretly hoped would come.

___

Shepard cursed and slapped the control for her floor. The elevator rose and she allowed herself to lean back against the wall to ease her throbbing leg, or what remained of it. She hated being a councilor. She knew that she did good work but it was frustrating and she would much rather be out there doing what she did best, risking her life, making a difference, feeling _alive_ than stuck in an office day after day while the galaxy went on around her and other people did what she still saw as her job. If she couldn’t be with Thane, then she wanted to be out there again where she could fill the aching in her soul with the thrill of combat. She had all of the battle sleep and none of the battle. 

Thane weighed heavily on her mind and heart every day. It had now been longer since she’d lost him than they’d been together. Time didn’t seem to be willing to heal this wound and her heart didn’t care that she’d only had mere months with him rather than the lifetime she’d wanted. The amount of time that they’d had together meant far less than what they’d done with it and they’d loved more deeply because they knew it would not last. She missed him with every breath she took and she found herself reaching for him when she woke and hearing his voice in her ear when her guard was down. It still felt as if a yahg had punched through her chest and ripped her beating heart out of it, leaving only a hollow cavity. She wondered at times if the pain would ever fade and learned a new empathy for the asari with their extended lifespans and their expectation of outliving their partner.

The lift stopped and she limped down the hallway, feeling as graceful as Joker. Her eyes cut to the door beside hers where the pilot, EDI, and Cortez and Vega had made their home. Liara had stayed with her until the relays to Thessia had opened and Jack still showed up when she was around and claimed the extra bedroom. Grunt had taken advantage of her open-door policy where her crew was concerned on more than one occasion and it wasn’t uncommon to find him sprawled out on a couch if the bedrooms were all occupied. Garrus, of course, had become a near-permanent fixture for which she was glad. She didn’t know what she’d do without him.

He was still at work, so she made her way to the bar without bothering to change out of her dress clothes. A drink later, she stood gazing down at the picture of the man who’d laid claim to her heart and taken it with him when he’d left. She tried to put on a brave face for her friends but here, in the solitude, she could give in to her mourning. Her finger traced the smooth line of his brow and the flare of his frill as she remembered the way that he would close his dark eyes and purr deep in his chest. For a man who’d started out so reserved and who’d held himself apart for so long, he’d come to be a very tactile and affectionate lover. Whether it was a hand brushed over the small of her back or clasped in hers, his lips against her skin, or his arm draped protectively across her while she slept, he’d seemed to relish the simple pleasure of physical contact with her. 

She missed, too, their conversations. He’d been intelligent, well-read, eloquent, and possessed of a dry wit that had made itself known once he became comfortable with her. He hadn’t hesitated to call her out when he thought she was making a mistake but reserved his opinions for when they were alone and supported her even when he disagreed. He’d become a confidante and friend during those dark times when Garrus had disappeared into himself and she’d been surrounded by strangers who seemed to see only what they could get from her. Thane had been the first to truly _see_ her. He’d been a friend when she’d needed one most and love had bloomed from that soil.

Hot tears cascaded over her face as she remembered their times together and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. Instead, she sipped her drink and continued to look through blurred vision. She had never been one for tears but they’d become her companions since his death and she wasn’t ashamed of them. There was no one here to see them anyway. “I miss you,” she whispered into the silence. “Wait for me.”

___

Garrus looked around the gathering and couldn’t help making note of all of the empty spaces that should have been filled with their friends. Beneath the boisterous laughter that was still a little too bright, the raucous voices that were still a little too loud, the energetic dancing that was still a little too contrived, there was a sense of bereavement that questioned whether victory would ever be enough. Here, the spot where Miranda would lean against the bar, arguing with Jacob or Jack about Cerberus. There, the place where Tali would be beginning to sway as her filters struggled to handle the copious amounts of alcohol she could consume. Over in the corner, the secluded spot where Samara would meditate while observing the festivities. 

The only consolation present was Mordin who spoke in slurring, rapid-fire speech with Chakwas about some new research he was doing. Garrus was among the only ones who knew the true cost of his continued existence and the price that Shepard had paid to secure it. She’d come through with the promised cure after the war—something that had put her at odds with the salarian dalatrasses—but the guilt of her deception had weighed on her even after she’d made it right. Garrus didn’t know if it was the choice he’d have made if it had been left to him but when he remembered the desperation he’d felt with each report of the massive amount of casualties back on Palaven, he thought that he very well might have made the same one. He certainly wouldn’t judge Shepard for it. 

She’d secured krogan aid for his people and salarian help on the Crucible in a time when both were badly needed. She could have told Wreav to fuck off when he’d come onto her ship with his demands but she had instead worked the situation so that everyone got what they needed in the end. That Wreav had been killed in the war and been replaced with Grunt had likely factored into her decision to fix things for the krogans in the end. She would go to extreme lengths for any of her people but especially for the one she still occasionally referred to as her “tank baby.” Grunt had learned from her and was leading his people to a more peaceful time. She’d managed to get them accepted back into the Council races and had made a shaman sister of Eve’s the ambassador.

He was still amazed by all she had accomplished while in office, though he’d expected no less. She was still Shepard, after all, even if she was a shadow of what she’d once been. Her first task had been to secure colonization rights on arid worlds for the drell and sanctions against the hanar for keeping them in what she still viewed as a type of slavery. Thane had called the Compact an honor. Shepard had called it Stockholm Syndrome. Kahje had remained virtually untouched by the war aside from the indoctrinated ambassador Shepard had prevented from destroying the planet and the hanar were one of the few races left with little to rebuild and few lasting effects.

In addition, she’d gotten the laws regarding AIs repealed. There were still protections in place but EDI and the geth could go freely in the galaxy and expect to be treated as people. She’d secured Council status for the surviving quarians as well and was attempting to broker a treaty between them and the geth in Tali’s honor. She’d commissioned repairs of the relays between the homeworlds and had gotten teams assigned to fix the damaged comm buoys. The Council was so grateful to her for saving them all that they conceded to the vast majority of her demands. She knew that it wouldn’t last and was pushing as much through as she could while it did.

He found her standing against the counter that separated the kitchen from the living area. He could tell that she was trying to enjoy the party but the dark circles under her eyes and the shadows within them gave away the truth behind the pretense. He knew that she was glad to have what was left of her team here under her roof to celebrate the anniversary of the end of the Reaper War but, like him, her eyes traveled to the empty spaces. 

He felt the young drell approach before he saw him and turned to find a younger turquoise version of Thane at his elbow. Kolyat cleared his throat and said, “Officer Vakarian, I was hoping that I could speak with you.”

Garrus nodded and motioned for the drell to follow him to the alcove where the plants would give them a semblance of privacy. He was curious about what Thane’s son thought was important enough to discuss directly with him and glad that he was here. Kolyat’s relationship with Shepard had been strained at first and Garrus couldn’t blame him for being hesitant around her. She had punched him in the face, after all, and from what Garrus understood, there was some resentment on Kolyat’s part for what he saw as a usurping of his mother’s place. That had faded at some point and Kolyat had come to accept her. Garrus had expected it to be for his father’s sake but she’d gotten to him, too, and Kolyat had maintained contact with her even after Thane’s death. Shepard said that she was the closest thing to family that the boy had left. His aunts and uncles on Kahje had cut off contact with him when he’d come to the Citadel to pick up his father’s mantle. Kolyat shuffled his feet in a nervous motion that was unlike Thane’s cool reserve. Garrus was not just Shepard’s best friend, he was Kolyat’s superior. The younger Krios had joined C-Sec after completing his community service and Bailey had placed him under Garrus’ command when he’d rejoined the force. He didn’t think this was work-related, however, as Kolyat would have addressed it at work. He was proven right when Kolyat said, “I am concerned about Shepard.”

“Speak freely, Krios,” Garrus said. “And relax.”

Kolyat relaxed slightly and said, “It has been two years. I know that Shepard cared deeply for my father and he would not wish this grief upon her. I have tried to encourage her to let him go but she continues to hold onto his memory as if he is still with us. Father told me what he experienced after my mother died and he did not want Shepard to go through that as well.”

Garrus raked a hand over his fringe and said, “I know, Kolyat, and I don’t know what to tell you. She’ll come around in her own time. There isn’t a thing that any of us can do to speed up the process. All we can do is be there for her like she is for us.”

Kolyat nodded and said, “It would be easier if she could learn to love another. She took the pain from my father and allowed him to live again, if only for a short while. I wish that she could find the same.”

“So do I,” Garrus said. He wouldn’t admit that he still held out hope that one day he would be that person but the thought was still there in the back of his mind. He would stand by Shepard no matter what and if she never reciprocated his feelings, then he would continue to be her best friend and her support. It didn’t stop him from wishing that he could be more. He didn’t know exactly when his feelings for Shepard had grown to something beyond friendship but he knew that they had and that he’d missed his chance while lost in his grief over his team. Thane had been there for her when he himself had not. Garrus had recognized it too late and had spent every day of the past three years wishing that he’d done things differently.

___

Shepard stood by the window of her apartment looking out over the Strip like she’d once looked out over the galaxy from the _Normandy_ ’s observation lounge. She could see the photograph of Thane from the corner of her eye and could almost imagine that he was there, listening as she rambled to herself. She had realized the year before that she could no longer hear his voice in her head or remember the precise scent of him or the way his smooth scales felt under her fingertips. Her human memory was failing her, taking him away from her until all she had left was remembered emotion and a two-dimensional image in her mind. He had hoped that time would do that very thing and ease the pain of his passing but she’d fought it as fiercely as she’d fought the Reapers. She wasn’t ready to let him go. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready to let him go. 

_That does not mean you cannot love again, Siha. I did._ She jerked away from the window but resisted the urge to look over her shoulder. She’d imagined him like this once before, at the docking bay while waiting to depart for the final battle the day after that last party before everything went to hell. 

“I miss you, Thane,” she said softly without looking back.

_And I, you, Siha. I will wait for as long as it takes but I am not the only one who is waiting._

“What are you talking about?” she asked. 

_The one who has loved you for longer than I. He is a good man, Siha. I would not begrudge you finding with him what I found with you. You need not spend the remainder of your life alone for fear of losing my love._

“Garrus?” she asked, stunned.

“Shepard?” a flanged voice said from behind her. 

_Open your eyes, Siha._ See _him as I saw you. I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact. I wish for you to be happy._

Shepard turned to find Garrus watching her with concern in his eyes. “Who were you talking to?” he asked.

“No one,” she answered absently. As Thane had requested, she allowed herself to truly look at Garrus. What she saw was the man who’d walked into hell with her time and time again without hesitation or reserve, the man who’d supported her through the best and worst times of her life, the man who hadn’t left even after his reasons for staying were threadbare and overused and the others had gone home to their people. She saw the best friend she’d ever had and the one person she’d been able to count on above all others. She didn’t know what she’d have done without him through the war and in the aftermath and, as she really _looked_ at him, she realized that he’d loved her all along. A memory surfaced from her xeno-studies classes of the way that turians cared for their mates and realized that he’d been doing that for her for longer than she could identify. 

She knew he’d hated working at C-Sec, though he’d liked it better under Bailey who held similar views on red tape and had begun to truly enjoy it after being made executor where he could enact real change, but he’d gone back anyway instead of returning to Palaven with his sister and father. He’d never mentioned finding a place of his own and she’d grown accustomed to his presence. He had been the one to wake her from nightmares, to push her through therapy, to bring her back from the abyss. He had carried her into the hot tub when the pain had frozen her muscles and screamed through her body and had held her there until she could function again. He’d learned to cook levo and fed her when she was too weak to lift a spoon and frustrated by the lack of real food. He’d expressed his concern for her safety by rigging every square inch of the apartment until it was a stronghold in its own right. He’d loved her for years and had never said a word.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

His face fell and he nervously scratched the back of his neck. She could see him debating whether to deliberately misunderstand the question and waited for his answer. He looked away from her and said, “I didn’t recognize it at first. You were a human and my commander. You never showed any signs that you wanted anything more than friendship with me. Then you died and…well, I was…lost. When you came back, it was all mixed in with Sidonis and my team and the mercs and, ah, you know. By the time we’d dealt with Sidonis and I was able to get it all straightened out in my head, you were already with Thane. You, ah, know the rest.”

She cocked her head and said, “What were you going to do if I never figured it out?”

He shuffled his feet and answered, “Stay as long as you’d let me. I didn’t really think beyond that.”

She cast a final look at the image of Thane. _Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves…_ With a sad smile, she turned to Garrus. He watched her with Noveria blue eyes that sparkled with nervous hope as she closed the distance between him and brought a hand up to his quivering mandible. His hand shook as he placed it lightly over her elbow and tilted his head down toward her. When she rose onto her toes and met his forehead with her own, he released a shuddering sigh. “Shepard,” he said with wavering subharmonics. “Oh, Shepard.”

“Garrus,” she sighed. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’ll never have to find out,” he vowed.

She pressed her lips to his. They were different from Thane’s softer, more mobile ones but the grip on her arm told her that it meant no less to him. His tongue was thinner and rougher but she felt the first stirrings of passion that she’d thought had died with her lover. When his arms came around her and crushed her to his hard chest, she felt something give way inside of her. It had been so long since she’d felt the warmth of another’s body against hers, the comfort of another being surrounding her, and she hadn’t realized how starved she’d been for that simple contact. He seemed unperturbed by the moisture that slid down her face and simply brought a hand up to gently wipe it away as he deepened his kiss.

He carried her up the stairs to her room and undressed her slowly. His hands shook as he removed the garments she wore and hers trembled as she fumbled with his unfamiliar tunic. It seemed strange to her given all they’d been through and how long and well they’d known one another that they should be nervous now but this was new territory and they both felt the weight of the steps they took. He worshiped her with his hands and mouth and she explored his alien body in open curiosity. He didn’t have the familiar shape that Thane had and his form was entirely foreign and outside of typical human standards of attractiveness but she thought that he was beautiful and elegant in his own way. Even if she had not, this wasn’t about that. This was about the connection they shared and coming together to create something entirely new. This was about healing. 

He took his time with her and they cherished each other as they learned the things they’d never known. The sounds he made were low and rumbling and reminded her of a big cat. The declarations he whispered to her were returned with her own. He paused at her entrance and captured her gaze. She’d once thought she could disappear in Thane’s dark eyes. She now thought she could drown in Garrus’ sparkling blue ones. He’d removed his visor for the first time in her memory and there was no barrier between them. She nodded and he entered her slowly, filling her, driving all thought from her head and searing her with the certainty that, while she would always love Thane, her heart was not a static place that could not expand to find room for another.

Later, they lay still wrapped in one another and she listened to the strange rhythm of a heart that had beaten for her for years and the smooth rush of his breath so unlike the crackling inhalations of her lost love. For the first time in years, she felt safe and at home, secure in the knowledge that she was not alone and never had been. As she drifted into sleep with her face nestled against the suede hide of his neck, she heard a voice whisper in the darkness, _Be happy, Siha._

___

Garrus held Shepard’s frail hand in his own weathered one and listened to the fading sound of her halting breaths. Talons dulled by age stroked gently through hair that had turned silver decades before and he tried to hold back the rumblings of grief so that she would not hear. Her eyes fluttered open and looked up at him from a lined and aged face that was still as beautiful to him as it had been almost a century before. Her lips curved weakly into a gentle smile and her voice, which had once shouted orders with a force to rival any turian commander and now hoarse and thin as it struggled to leave her exhausted body, said his name as though she was cherishing it. 

He wanted to be strong for her. He wanted to tell her that it was all right, that she could finally rest, that he would meet her at the bar and it would be just like old times. He couldn’t force the words past a gullet that was clenched tight with pain. She reached up and he could see the blue of her veins through skin that had thinned until he was afraid that a touch too firm would split it open and stroked his mandible in the way she’d done countless times before. It was too much and he leaned forward, placing his forehead against hers as a keening wail ripped through his body. Her fingers wrapped around the cracked plates along the ridge of his spine and he heard her voice attempting to soothe him. It was so wrong. He should be the one comforting her. She was the one who was dying. 

A century of memories flowed through his mind. He could still remember the first time he’d seen her, striding up to the Council chambers as if she owned the Citadel, young and brash and full of confidence. He saw her standing before them as they named her the first human Spectre. He heard her before Ilos, giving the first in what would become a series of rallying speeches. He remembered bidding her goodbye on the Citadel as she’d gone back out into the Terminus on a bullshit mission to exterminate the remaining pockets of geth resistance and he’d returned to his post at C-Sec and heard Anderson’s voice as the human admiral stood at his door a month later. _I thought you should hear it from me first. The_ Normandy _was attacked. The commander was spaced. I’m sorry, Vakarian. She’s gone._

He saw her leap over the barricade at the end of the bridge connecting to the stronghold where he fought alongside the dead bodies of his team and felt his heart stutter at the sight of her. He’d thought she was a spirit come to take him away at first. He remembered the agony of realizing that he’d turned her away one too many times and had all but pushed her into the arms of another. He heard her voice ringing out through the years, shouting orders, giving commands like she’d been born to do so, like she was destined to lead and utterly convinced of her authority and the loyalty of her followers. He watched as Thane—who’d become one of his closest friends despite the fact that they had loved the same woman—boarded the elevator to her cabin with a troubled look on his face and tried to quash the envy he felt. He saw the pain on her face as she realized that her crew was gone and the determination there as she’d rallied the team before the Omega 4 relay. He could still hear the intensity in her tone as she’d given first one and then another speech before leading them into hell yet again.

He saw her on Menae, felt his heart stutter at the confirmation that she’d survived the attack on Earth. He stood beside her as a Reaper marched past and his homeworld burned above and throughout every mission that followed. He heard the pain in her voice as she shouted “Thane!” and saw it in her eyes when she turned away, filled with the knowledge that she had watched her lover die. He remembered the call from Aria to retrieve her when she’d gone to Purgatory and drunk herself into oblivion and found herself on the couch beside the pirate queen. Even the hardened leader of Omega had succumbed to her. He saw her move through countless battlefields with a grace and artistry that few could match. He felt again the desperation of the final battle on Earth and heard what she’d thought was her final goodbye in his head again. _If I’m up there in that bar and you’re not, I’ll be looking down._

He remembered the desperation of hearing that the Citadel had taken damage and of seeing the rubble where she lay, the joy of hearing the tap of rock that announced that she was still alive, the weight of her injured body in his arms. He recalled clearly the months of recovery that had followed and the years in which he’d waited while her heart had pieced itself back together. He remembered the fear he’d felt when she’d confronted him and the joy that had followed when he’d realized that she had finally looked at him and seen not just her old friend but a man who loved her and that she could love him back.

They’d married half a decade later in a human ceremony that had been followed by a turian bonding ceremony. She’d worn his mark with pride and he could still see her shy smile when she revealed the tattoo that Jack had given her of the pattern of his colony markings between the marks. They’d found a secluded place near the beach on Earth and she had taught him to swim. A year later, she’d come home with a turian baby from Conrad Verner’s orphanage that no one had been able to convince to eat. Their turian son had been followed by an asari daughter that Liara had requested they take in. Kolyat and Grunt had quickly begun to refer to them as their turian and asari brother and sister. 

The years had passed far too quickly. She’d eventually retired from the Council after Valern and Sparatus died and Tevos had stepped down to make room for another. Her hair had lost its color and her skin had lost its elasticity but her spirit had remained. He almost laughed as he remembered the two of them taking on a squad of new N7 recruits at the arena on her hundredth birthday. They’d won, of course. Even old, no one could beat Shepard and Vakarian. Her eyes had sparkled as she’d laughed and clapped one of them on the shoulder. They hadn’t slept that night, too lost in each other to care about the passage of time or how weary they would be the following day.

He’d watched with dread as time had finally taken its toll on her body and had begun to steal her away from him. A hundred years wasn’t enough. An eternity would not be enough. If there was no Shepard without Vakarian, it followed as well that there was no Vakarian without Shepard. Everything he’d ever been had been because of her. He belonged to her, heart and soul, and didn’t want to imagine life after her. It would be an awfully empty galaxy without her. 

“Garrus,” she whispered, “my darling Garrus. Where ever would I be without you?”

He pulled himself together enough to say, “You’ll never have to find out.”

“And neither will you,” she said with enough of the command tone that had carried her through the war to end all wars to gain his attention. “When I'm up there in that bar, I’ll be looking down. You’ll never be alone.”

“Never,” he whispered, unconvinced. 

“I love you, Garrus.”

“I…love you, too, Shepard,” he choked out. The declaration came easy to them after all this time but he couldn’t help thinking that this was the last.

The door opened behind him and he heard the shuffle of familiar footsteps. He could name them all without having to glance. Their children were there, of course, including Kolyat and Grunt. Liara, still young after all this time, and Javik, Vega and Cortez, Kaidan and Jack, Traynor and Diana Allers, Jacob and Brynn, Joker and EDI, Kasumi, Daniels and Donnelly, the surviving members of the _Normandy_ crew were all there to bid farewell to the woman who’d carried them into hell and back and who’d given so much of herself for them while asking for so little in return. These were the people who’d known Shepard the woman, who’d seen the reality behind the legend, and who’d stayed anyway. 

“You made it,” she said, reaching out to take their daughter by the hand. One by one, they came forward with a word, a touch, a wavering smile that tried to be brave because it was what she’d always demanded of them. He looked around and saw dry eyes only on those who physically could not produce the tears that most of the races were fortunate enough to be able to cry. 

Kolyat held himself back until the last. She reached for him with a warm smile. “Kolyat,” she said softly. “My boy. Would you pray for me? Like you prayed for him?”

The drell nodded and was joined by Feron. The two of them clasped their hands and bowed their heads. Garrus watched Shepard’s face as she laid her head back onto the pillow and closed her eyes to the sound of their voices flowing in tandem over the ritual words of entreaty for her soul. He knew that she had never stopped loving Thane and had never begrudged her that love. He was confident in his place in her heart and her life. Now, however, he was struck by the fear that he would meet his own end and find her seat at the bar empty.

She seemed to sense the turn of his thoughts as she always had and, when the prayers were finished, she turned her eyes to him. “Meet me at the bar?” she asked.

“Definitely,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief. 

“I’ll be waiting,” she said. “Find me.”

“Always,” he promised. 

Her breath stuttered and her grip on his hand tightened. Her eyes never left his as the steady beat of the monitors relaying her vital information faltered and her pulse slowed. The heart that had carried her through the worst war in the history of their kind, the heart that had beaten for not one but two men, the heart that had defined all that Shepard was, beat its last. He reached out and gently closed her eyes for the final time, whispering brokenly, “Take care of her for me, Thane.” He felt hands come to rest on his cowl as he leaned forward onto her wasted chest and released a sound that could only come from one whose heart had been ripped from his chest.

___

Shepard opened her eyes to see a bright sun gleaming in a sky the color of Garrus’ eyes. Warm, water flowed over her and the smell of brine filled her nostrils. She laid there, feeling the peace of a body finally freed from pain, and closed her eyes as the heat of the sun bathed her face. A pair of strong arms circled around her from behind and she leaned her head back onto a familiar shoulder with a sigh. “Thane,” she whispered.

“I am here, Siha,” he answered. “I have waited so long for you.”

“I’ve missed you,” she said. 

“And I, you,” he told her. He turned her so that she was facing him and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He was there. It wasn’t a figment of her imagination or a hallucination brought on by grief. He was there, real and solid and warm from the sun. His lips met hers and the distance of time and death faded until there was only the two of them. She cried his name as they came together and tried to ignore the tug on her heart that insisted that something was missing. Later, though she couldn’t say how much as time seemed to have lost its meaning, he led her up onto the shore. Sand breathed between her toes. “Siha, look,” he said.

She looked up to see a group of people standing a short distance away. Her face broke into a grin as she gripped his hand and broke into a run. He laughed and ran with her until she skidded to a stop in front of the gathering. Ash, Anderson, Hackett, Chakwas, Miranda, Tali, Wrex, Nihlus, Mordin, Zaeed, Samara, and even Saren stood waiting for her. She cast the last a look and he stepped forward. “Commander Shepard,” he said and there was none of the cold hatred that had filled his voice in life. “I wanted to thank you. You saved me.”

“Shepard!” Wrex roared and stomped forward. She expected recrimination but instead received a firm handshake. “Should have trusted you.”

She turned to Anderson with an apology forming on her lips and was swept into a hug. “You did good, child,” he said. “I always was proud of you.”

Tali embraced her next and this time she did apologize. Tali shook her head and Shepard realized that she was seeing her friend without her mask. “No, Shepard. You did what you thought was right. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you at the end.”

She didn’t know how long she stood with them, the remnants of her crew and her friends, before they began to disperse. Seeing her gaze follow them, Thane said, “They will return, Siha. There is someone I would like you to meet.”

She turned to see a golden drell approaching them. She’d never seen a female of the species but knew instantly who it was. She’d have expected discomfort or envy or disappointment but it didn’t come. Instead, she smiled welcomingly at the woman who said in a musical voice, “Hello, Shepard. I am Irikah. I am so glad you could finally join us.” The woman embraced her warmly and said, “Thank you for caring for my son. And, as well, for giving Thane his life back.”

Time had no meaning here but there was still a routine and she fell easily into it. She spent what passed for time reconnecting with her crew. She collected seashells with Mordin, listened to Ash recite poetry, sat with Saren and Nihlus as they revealed what had come before her involvement, and mused about old times with Karin who’d been taken by age a few decades before Shepard. She came to know Irikah and found that they were able to seamlessly share in their love for Thane. Nothing was limited here, whether love or time, and there was no need for competition. Both knew when the other wished to be alone and the three of them found that they meshed easily into a new form of family. 

Still, Shepard felt that there was something missing. She found herself staring into the sea when she was alone, looking into it as if into a viewing screen, and watched as the other piece of her heart struggled on without her. She heard his whispered voice in the night speaking to her as he slept and watched as he tried to fill the space she left behind with their children and the family of crew that remained behind. Her heart ached for him and, on the days when it was the worst, she could expect to feel Thane’s arms slip around her as he comforted her.

“Was it like this for you?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I love Irikah, but I was not complete here without you. She understood as I understand and comforted me as I comfort you. This will not last forever.”

“Can I go to him? Like you came to me?” she asked.

“I do not know,” he answered. 

“I miss him, Thane. I love you and I’m so happy to be here with you but I’m not me without him,” she said.

“I know, Siha,” he said and there was no resentment in his voice. “It will not be this way for long.”

___

She was sitting with Miranda and Zaeed when Thane walked up to them. He extended his hand and she rose. They walked along the sand, feeling the waves drift over their feet. Finally, she asked, “Where are we going?”

“You will see, Siha,” he said with a smile. His dark eyes glittered with anticipation and she looked at him with open curiosity. 

In the distance, something wavered in the heat from the sun. As they drew closer, it grew clearer and she could see what looked like one of the tiki bars that dotted the beaches on Earth. Her heart began to pound and her steps quickened. She looked over at Thane who grinned widely and broke into a sprint. “Garrus!” she shouted. A familiar form pushed away from the bar and turned to face her. She could hear his sigh of relief over the sound of the waves and threw herself into his arms. 

“Shepard!” he said and she found that she could feel the emotion within his subvocals. “Oh, spirits, Shepard. You’re here. When I saw that empty chair, I thought…”

“I told you I’d be waiting,” she said and drew back to look at him. “You look so young!”

He grinned and said, “I was a little worried when I realized the scars were gone. I know they drove you wild.”

“I suppose I can live without them,” she said with a grin as tears of joy streamed down her face. 

He tucked her hair behind her ear and said, “Speaking of young, you look like you did when we met. Just without your own scars.”

“Age doesn’t seem to mean much here,” she said. “Wait until you see Karin and Zaeed. You won’t recognize him.”

He pulled her close again and looked over her shoulder. She felt him stiffen and then relax. “Krios,” he said.

“Garrus,” Thane said. “Welcome, my friend.”

Shepard reached out and waved Thane toward them. He looked carefully at Garrus and then put his arms around her as well. She sighed happily as the pieces of her heart finally came together. Thane didn’t stay long. He knew that she needed time alone with Garrus just as Irikah had known he’d needed it with her and she knew when to give them space as well and just as she knew that he would be back. She cupped Garrus’ mandible and said, “Shepard and Vakarian, together again.”

“Just like old times,” he said with a smile.


End file.
